Thursday, June 10, 2010

Facebook CEO Turns Into A Facecloth

If you are brave, watch the interview. You may want to clear all spillable liquids from your desk first. Close the door- you might scream. It's terrifying.

Now push play. Hit pause, look away, push play again, pause, look away.

I had to have about five goes at it.

It's a heart wrenching cringe worthy trainwreck. Worst than anything you might see on Dancing With The Stars.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg turns into a soggy facecloth.

Forget the Oscars, developer conference D8 2010 pulls the big cats with Steve Jobs' skivvy (Apple), Bill Gates' Coke glasses (Microsoft) and Jeffrey Katzenberg's shiny domehead (Dreamworks) all making an appearance.

Mark Zuckerberg has the iconic black hoodie. Like what hoodrats wear to steal stuff at your local supermarket.

Said hoodie betrayed him and sweated him into a puddle of gingerish vulnerability on the world stage with the most obnoxious tech trolls all parked up, watching and vlogging and tweeting and flickring.
Mark Zuckerberg was the main attraction and looked suitably nervous as he was jammed in a Star Trekish bright red leather evil dentist chair to be grilled by Pointy Beard Man reporter and Serious Eyebrows Woman reporter.

Things start off well with some pedestrian stuff about privacy settings (surprise!) and lots of use of the words 'misperception' and 'resonating'.

The seminal donkey kong sweats moment occurs around the three-minute spot when Serious Eyebrows Woman asks him how he's coping with all the attention and backlash .

Clearly, 'Bookface PR Inc' messaged him up the wazoo about privacy and forgot the fact that it must suck having the whole world hate you and that Zuck is a person and actually has 'feelings'.

Mr 26 shrinks back to Mister 6. You can see his neck go bright red and a wave of emotional sweat + tears juice rush for his eyeballs and forehead. The tap turns on and he turns in a soggy facecloth.

The worst part is the stall.

You can see his whole world stand still for a microsecond. It's quite disturbing. It would be Oscar worthy if it wasn't real.

Serious Eyebrows Woman suddenly goes all Mumsy and asks if he wants to remove the omnipresent hoodie (then throws in a stupid comment about 'for the girls in the audience ..hahhaha' as a bit of a lifeline). Frazzled by the offer he initially declines ( I mean- Steve would never remove the black skivvy) then admits to himself that he's running as hot as an Icelandic volcano and that his mental CPU is getting fried. Water is pouring down his chin...drip..drip.

Mumsy Serious Eyebrows woman the ask him if he wants help with his hoodie in much the same way you would help a three-year old pull down their dungarees to go pee-pee. At this point I would just like to remind everyone that Zuck is the most powerful man/boy in the global media business.

It gets weirder. Serious Eyebrows Woman helps him out of the hoodie then shockingly reveals its Facebook official blue silky capping-gown lining complete with bizarre Illuminati graphics. (Very hard to describe..Google it.)

Serious Eyebrow's Woman “It's like a cult!” exclamation probably didn't help.

Industry pundits went nuts. Calling for Zuck's resignation and holding his sweaty facecloth wobble up as evidence that he should step down and that he needs to be wearing long pants if he's going to run the company. Others called it a 'Nixon moment' or one of 'the most important moments in Internet history'. Not quite.

After five attempts and much breathing into a brown paper bag I finally made it through to the end of the clip. I actually think it's quite awesome.

Through the stammers and frustration he was trying to get across that he was just a kid at uni and they invented this program and then his life went all Dr Who and that he doesn't have all the answers. And if he does need to step down and put in a 'proper CEO' (whatever the hell that is) who would you suggest? AOL's Tim Armstrong who's just had to bail out of the $800 million invested in Bebo? Telecom's Paul Reynolds might look good in a hoodie. His arms might be a bit long though. We could do it like Chatroulette and each Facebook user could have a week at running it. I like hoodies and imagine how cool your status updates would be: Courtney is ...”selling your browsing data suckers! Lolz :)”.

Posted via email from cjlambert's posterous

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